Letter Found



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Shoot me.

Kill me.

Hurt me.

Any pain but this pain.

Unbearable. Insane.
The kind of pain that you think you can will away. But after you've exhausted everything, it proves you wrong 'coz it's still there. Eating away at your heart, possibly even your soul. Consciously, you are dying inside. You want to fight, but it all comes down to resignation.

I was waiting for numbness, but it never came. I thought acceptance came in its place but I was wrong. What I thought was acceptance was pain in disguise. It never left. It just made me believe that everything's okay when in reality, it's not.

I know eventually I'll look back at this and laugh at how silly everything is. But in the mean time, I'll wallow in this pain. Maybe in due tiem, I'll become jaded because of this.

But does one really want to be jaded? To be afraid to love, to get hurt... To feel?

It seems to be the safest option. It seems safer to just opt not to feel. But can one really be hopeless enough to fall into such a state?

Even if it's possible, I think I shall not allow myself to give up in so tragic a way. To be jaded is to be stoic, is to be inhuman.

So even if at times, the pain is seemingly overwhelming, unbearable, I will fight. I will fight, if not for the person I have come to love with all my being, I will fight for myself. I will fight to keep my courage. I will accept the pain. Because to feel pain is to be alive.

*** I wrote this letter back in February 1, 2007, before I met my husband. I found it neatly folded and tucked away in one of my planners in the office. Looking back, I'm glad I kept fighting. I'm glad I'm happy now, and I'm very thankful for all the blessings I've received in the past years. I'm glad I've found my best friend, my soul mate, my partner in life. My husband. Thank you, Lord. :)